Impulse's guide to surviving a Zombie Invasion

In the very likely case someone accidentally breaks a container containing a virus which will turn every living person on the face of the earth into a flesh eating zombie upon cannibalistic contact, here's a couple of rules I (Impulse) would like you to remember.

Some would consider me an "expert" of sorts...due to my hundreds of hours of experience with watching zombie movies & playing zombie games.

1. "HELLO? IS ANYONE THERE?!" Do NOT go out into the dark hallways screaming "HELLO?, IS ANYONE THERE?!" <-- Dumbest shit you can do. That's not even dumb dumb, that's DUM dumb. (Yes I mean without the B)
2. DO NOT SPLIT UP! There's always that one jackass that's gotta sit there and be like "HEY, LET'S SPLIT UP, YOU GO DOWN THAT WAY, I'LL GO DOWN THIS WAY" <-- NO! FUCK THAT SHIT! It just makes the chances of you getting eaten alive greater than they were before. Stay together and fight them off as a team is always the better option.
3. LET THE FUCKIN KIDS DIE. The people are always tryin to save some kid and in return, they get they ass BIT! Don't do that. Dumb move.
4. TRIP THE FATTEST (OR THE SLOWEST) GUY There's ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS a fat guy in the group of the survivors. I mean that one asshole who's so out of shape that they just can't run for shit. These are the least important to human society, and in any case wehre the zombies catch up to you or trap you in a corner, trip that guy. He can't run as fast as the rest, he'll hit the ground and them zombies is going to be too busy eatin his brains to get to you!
5. ALWAYS BRING PICTURES OF RELATIVES. Especially because you already know you're going to run into these peoples zombified versions later on and while standing still looking at them realising "Oh my god, that's my brother!", they will continue to advance apon your position and when they're like two feet away, you're going to want to pull that picture out and show it to them so they can start crying and stop trying to kill you. WARNING: In certain cases, this might just stop him momentarily. He might start again afterwards.
6. WEAR SPORTY GEAR They might be slow, but wearing pants with timberland boots may not be the most ideal clothing to have while trying to outrun zombies. They may be slow, but at some point your going to wish you had nikes on to help you run faster.

   

7. DO NOT HELP ANYONE You see a man laying down on the floor grunting and still think he's alive? FUCK THAT SHIT HE'S A ZOMBIE SON LEAVE HIM ALONE. NUFF SAID.
8. MOVE TO LANSING, MICHIGAN (CHECK WHAT I FOUND) Safest City for Zombie Outbreak? Lansing, Michigan Posted by Pat Published in Bizarre Now this is what I call specialized training. Lansing Michigan, in addition to normal training for fires, crime waves, mass protests and even terror attacks, also practices how to repel a zombie invasion! You just never know, says the mayor. From the Lansing State Journal here: Imagine waking up tomorrow, switching on the news and hearing the anchor say that Lansing — or even the world — is being overrun with brain-eating zombies. No, we’re not talking about the Halloween variety. The real deal. That means you won’t be stopping at QD for that doughnut on the way to work. In fact, you probably won’t be going to work ever again – well, unless your current job involves splitting zombie skulls. Forget filling out reports, you’re probably going to spend your days either running away like a wuss or going toe-to-toe with reanimated mounds of flesh. Do you know where your crowbar is? If your best buddy, your neighbor or your mail carrier came lurching toward you with a soulless look in their eyes, would you have what it takes to ice them? If the zombies attacked today, would you be ready? Would Lansing? Prepared for an invasion Lansing police and fire crews say they’re ready for any attack on our fine city. Officials said Lansing wouldn’t be taken by surprise and in a few hours could be armed to the teeth. “We have been doing mock disasters and cross training for several years,” said Lansing Police Lt. Bruce Ferguson. “People can feel confident, if zombies start invading, we’ll know how to close the streets. We can get chainsaws too. “If a swarm comes in on I-496 westbound, we’ll block off the exits so they miss the city.” You know, large natural disasters such as the California wildfires may actually be a government coverup for a huge zombie outbreak. The fires may be a result of burning piles of infected undead corpses or even the use of flamethrowers by the military. Once the smoke clears and bodies turn up, people should check the corpse’s heads. If they have head wounds, that is clear evidence that there was a battle and the zombies lost.

   

   
   
9. ALWAYS TRAVEL BY CAR Walking your way to your friends house is a fuckin stupid idea. Oh, plus your friends are probably dead already anyway.
10. DO NOT HANG WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN BITTEN Your fucking son could get bit, FUCK THAT NIGGA. Don't hang with homie no more. Leave him behind, or he gonna be tearing up your intestine in about 5 minutes. It's common sense.
11. SHOOT THE INFECTED IN THE HEAD Shooting them elsewhere will only result in them doing the harlem shake, falling to the ground, then getting back up. Shooting them in the leg only makes them crawl towards you, which is WAAAAAAAY more creepier than a limping one.
12. YOU EVEN SUSPECT ANYONE IS INFECTED, YOU SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER. You see a man limping, shoot em. Hiding his arm? Shoot him. Fuck that shit.
13. IT'S AN EYEBALL, WHAT THE FUCK? If you see an eyeball on any other part of the body other than his head, GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE. That is NOT a zombie and WILL run your ass down.

    

14. DO NOT STAND ON A SKY BRIDGE Them shits always end up getting knocked down, and they WILL take your ass down with them.
15. DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO ZOMBIE STRIPPERS Them titties may still look good, but the zombies teeth still work. Do not pause to pay attention to the titties, the zombie will walk up to you and eat you.
16. DO NOT LIVE IN THE CITY Highly populated areas are going to have the most zombies when it all goes down. I suggest you move to the country.

    

    
    
17. DONT TRUST THE GUY WITH THE ENGLISH ACCENT. HE'S ALWAYS WORKING FOR THE BAD GUYS. ALWAYS.
18. DO NOT JOIN UP WITH SWAT, SPECIAL FORCES, OR NONE OF THAT SHIT It ALWAYS starts out wiht like 8 people, and 1 by 1 thehy all get eaten, except for that one guy who got them jackie chan, jet li, karate moves. There is only a 1/8 percent chance that you will be that last survivor, and trust me, unless you be doing kung pow chicken karate moves, it's not going to be you.
19. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT, GO INVESTIGATING STRANGE NOISES YOU HEARD. Keep the doors locked and a shotgun or pistol aimed at that bitch incase one of them shits try to break into your house and eat you.
20. DO NOT ASSUME SOMETHING IS DEAD People always wanna check if it's dead. Leave that shit on the floor, that shit will pop up and take a chunk out of your neck. It's not fun having teeth in your neck, trust me, I've been bitten by someone before. (I know, wtf right?)

    

21. KEEP A WEAPON NEARBY. A gun is always needed, unless you plan on slap boxing a zombie which it will obviously cheat and take a Mike Tyson approach and bite you.
22. DONT SCREAM FOR HELP. That actually makes shit worse. The zombies will hear your voice and head straight for you.
23. DO NOT OPEN DOORS TO ROOMS THAT DO NOT HAVE LIGHTS ON. It's always full of zombies. Turn on them lights and your surrounded. If you're going to go into a door that has no lights on, I hope whatever you're looking for is REAL fuckin important, because if not, you just got eaten up for nothing.
24. IF ANYONE GET LEFT BEHIND N THEY'RE ABOUT TO GET EATEN, FUCK 'EM.
    Fuck that shit. even if it's your wife, she'll understand once you two meet up in heaven.

That Is all I can think of right now. These 24 tips should prove helpful when that day does come.

Oh, and here are some tips I found for a Zombie game that I find will work just as well in real life. Zombies are grey, move very slowly and change direction randomly and frequently unless they can see something moving in front of them, in which case they start walking towards it. After a while they get bored and wander randomly again. If a zombie finds a survivor standing directly in front of it, it bites and infects them; the survivor immediately joins the ranks of the undead. Survivors are pink and run five times as fast as zombies, occasionally changing direction at random. If they see a zombie directly in front of them, they turn around and panic. Panicked survivors are bright pink and run twice as fast as other survivors. If a survivor sees another panicked survivor, it starts panicking as well. A panicked survivor who has seen nothing to panic about for a while will calm down again. So remember...Do NOT get eaten by zombies. Ok? Ok.